Ep41 The Executive's Guide to Setting Unshakeable Boundaries

Patricia Lindner  0:00  
So it's not about guilt, it's not about blaming. It's about discovering their natural brilliance of setting boundaries and doing that in their way, disconnecting from everything that feels harmful, doubtful, self sabotaging.

Jason Croft  0:19  
What if the key to unlocking your full potential isn't about adding more, but revealing what's already there in each episode of magnificence, host Patricia Lindner guides you to reveal your natural brilliance, remove what's been stopping you, and reconnect to your authentic power. Join us as we explore how to access the magnificence that lives within us all.

Patricia Lindner  0:43  
Hello and welcome to another amazing episode of the new version of magnificence. And I'm really excited to share about a topic that has come up so often in the last couple of weeks or even months that I feel it is so necessary to share it with you, the audience, and it not only came up for me, but in so many conversations with people that I think it's worthwhile talking about boundaries. Of course, I would love to welcome Jason Croft to this episode again, and I'm so glad that you are with me, to support me, to run this show with me, and to talk about this very important topic today.

Jason Croft  1:34  
I'm happy to be here. This is this is a blast, and no matter what people think, no, I did not force my way to being on the show. There's rumors going around that I said I have to be and I was just pestering you forever, but that's only partially, yeah.

Patricia Lindner  1:52  
And the truth, Jason, the truth is that this was the initial thing, why I thought about talking about boundaries, as you called me all day and all night, and you said, I want to be on the show. Every show should be a show where I am on. And that was like, What could I do about that? How to set boundaries and how to say no to Jason Croft,

Jason Croft  2:17  
that's right, and to see if I would, I would actually take the hint, but I did not take the hint. So Phil, sorry, everybody, I'm still here. We're going, I did succeed. That's right. This is the example of not setting proper boundaries. So real world example for everybody, right there. And I love this topic, because you and I have had discussions in the past. We come from very different sides of it, and I find it funny because, you know, I try to help people be, be more of a jerk, right? Be more be more rude. But maybe there's, there's a nicer way to do things, because I haven't had too many issues setting boundaries. And, you know, there, but there's, there's nicer ways to do it, maybe, than I've done in the past. So I love this topic.

Patricia Lindner  3:17  
I love it as well. And you already said that we come from very different spaces and very different background of dealing with boundaries, because being a jerk was never, ever an option for me. I always was in this space of being a people pleaser, of really being soft with people when it came to my boundaries. So my boundaries were far out there, and I really needed to figure out how to set proper boundaries to really say yes to myself and no to others without being too jerky,

Jason Croft  4:04  
yeah. And I think that I love that phrase too, that it's far less about saying no to everyone or some people, and it's saying yes to yourself. And that's certainly where it has to start knowing not just your boundaries, but but having a a confidence that you know what is correct for you. And there's many layers to that, but knowing that, hey, here's what I want to accomplish in life this year, today, and then this person wanting my time, attention or focus. Does that help me on that or not in it, you can always make exceptions, and that's the art of this whole thing. But I. Yeah, but you you have to know, you have to have that foundation first. How do you help people kind of start with that foundation and identify that, that point of confidence? Yeah.

Patricia Lindner  5:13  
And so not everyone, Jason, comes from a place where they totally feel that. They feel it some somehow, but it is not so clear as it is for you, and you just say, hey, this I want to be mindful of my time. I want to say yes to myself. And you could teach someone that maybe grew up in a very different way, where he needed or she needed to override boundaries all the time because of a conditioning, because of family background, and they get used to that. That's like stretching this rubber band of boundaries far out there, and then it feels like their normal, their new normal, and another stretch out there. And then what happens is, oftentimes they feel unwell, or they start getting body issues, or they have nervous breakdowns, or they complain all the time, but they can't just do it the way you suggest it, because there is something off. And so when someone comes to me and talks about that, and that was my story as well, I could not just say no, because it felt so awkward and it even felt mean, selfish. I can't do that. I need to put myself last and not first. Because that is what and I can totally tell you, that is what my father said many, many, many decades ago. He said, You need to put yourself last on the list. I was about to invite people to my birthday party. That was when I was six, something like that. And he said, Oh, okay, the donkey names himself or herself first, put yourself last. And I think that hit really hard. One of the things that hit hard, so I learned to set myself on the list last, and to pay attention to what the needs of others are. And even though, when people feel it censored in their bodies, in their space, that they override a certain boundary, that they feel unwell, they can't set the boundaries without going through a process of really seeing those boundaries, seeing where their limits are, and where they feel in this natural space of well being. They need to really figure that out anew, and then remove everything that lets them override the boundaries. So it is a learning process. It's not a long process, but it's the awareness, and it's just letting go of what no longer serves them. So just very generally speaking,

Jason Croft  8:22  
sure, yeah, and it's certainly going to be that very individualized, that the path to this is certainly dividend for each person. I certainly want to acknowledge too. I do feel, and have always felt, when it comes to either, you know, not having your boundaries, or being more of a people pleaser. There is that, that place of confidence that is lacking, that self confidence somewhere in there, and because I know I have the confidence I have because of my upbringing, right? I'm so fortunate to have a mother who raised me of just like I was never in doubt that I was loved taking care, you know, I should be here and all of that. And so many folks don't have that in that as that foundation. So that is absolutely in there, you know, number one, um, but with, with this whole process, and even though it's an individualized thing, if someone is, you know, they've had their boundaries stretched and they have this frustration, or they have certain issues in their life. How? How can they first just identify that maybe something going on in their life, whether a relationship or constant upset or constant hitting a wall, is coming from this place of their boundaries being out of alignment. What are some first ways that they can kind of diagnose that and realize that's the issue in the first. Place,

Patricia Lindner  10:00  
yeah. So first of all, I need to just hit a little bit that point what you said about the confidence, and that is so that's a big one, because when you said you were raised without any doubt that you were loved when doing this or that, or setting boundaries or saying no to something, and I think that's often the issue, because for me, it was this conditional experience of love that you needed to behave in a certain way, and setting boundaries, saying no, being stubborn just showed me, oh, I'm going to lose love and attention, and I think that's a big one. But people, and you are so right, they might not be aware of the past story of the conditioning, but what oftentimes shows up, and I already touched this point, is they feel physically unwell, totally physically unwell, stressed out. So symptoms of stress, and also stress concerning time issues. I don't I can't accomplish everything that I need to accomplish during the day. That is one first point to look at, how do I structure my day, and where do I override boundaries when I have let's talk about collaboration calls or business conversations, calls with someone who is interested in your services. When we talk about the entrepreneurial world, how much do you override your boundaries when you are on a call? Is it easy for the person to talk you into something and talk with you for not 30 minutes, but maybe 4560 90 minutes. And I know lots of people that deal with exactly that, and then the whole day just is too short to really get the work accomplished they wanted to do. That is one thing. So there is this sense of unwellness because of stress, and that is especially this time related stress, but also having this sensation inside that they would love to do something else, that they are not interested in something and they can't say so, because how Would I say that? How could I confront a person and tell them that I'm not interested in what they what they say, if it is really a long conversation or a topic that I'm not interested in, that is part two, and I don't know if there is something you would like to add to that, because I have a couple of other thoughts,

Jason Croft  13:07  
yeah, and I think a common theme on them is this idea that it's out there, it's out of my control. It's it's these people taking my time. It's this job I have to go to. It's this relationship I'm stuck in. And I think both the diagnosis and some first steps in recovering finding that solution is taking that power back and saying, oh, where have I contributed to these people taking my time? I love that.

Patricia Lindner  13:49  
And I just had a conversation today with an amazing person, and we talked about that, I said, But how? And we talked about boundaries. How did it happen that you invited someone doing so, and they were like, what I invited someone, then it is my fault, and I would never, ever say that it is someone's fault. So it's not about blaming someone that they didn't set their boundaries properly, or that they the way I said it invite someone to downgrade them or to override the boundaries. It's nothing that has to do with guilt or blaming someone. It's just figuring out where is the root cause and eliminating eliminating this root cause of why it is a silent, energetic invitation for others to overstep boundaries and even, and that is a big one. That was a big one, even if I said so, if I said, but today, I don't have more than 30 minutes to talk. You, we ended up in the same way as always. And it is so important to figure out why this is and what the silent signs are that people can do that.

Jason Croft  15:18  
Yeah, and I think there's a common theme that people will pick up on as we create many of these episodes, is this, bringing that power back, taking it back and again, there's maybe a subtle distinction around blame. It's my fault or taking ownership, but there is a distinction. Who knows why some things happen, right? There's some levels of that, and there's so many factors, but what we're getting across here is the empowering aspect of just taking ownership, because then it means you can do something different next time. I mean, whether it's in a relationship in your business, in a sales call I had, I had a sales call a couple of weeks ago that was I know the moment. I know this precise moment that I screwed up, lost control, and it allowed a three second gap in there that the other person then filled in, and they did their thing, and it just derailed. But by having this awareness, self reflection. How was this my fault? Oh, ah, that's the moment. That's what I have to be hyper aware of next time. And that applies to to boundaries, applies to anything you want to accomplish. Is that reflection sitting back. Oh, hmm, there. Now I have the power to do something different next time.

Patricia Lindner  17:05  
And I like that. You you talk about reflection, which is objective reflection, it's really figuring out what went wrong if you want to call it wrong. And how can I learn from that? And it's the same thing with setting boundaries, to just figure out what is my frame, what what do I want to put out there? When I talk about energy, how do I want to show up? And I think it is, again, it all comes down to really having the confidence. Because when there is this teeny, tiny little self doubt, or this, oh, I blame myself. I did it wrong, I need to do this and that people totally get this information, this energetic information, and they will use it to their advantage without wanting to harm you, but they will do that. And so for me, it is great, really being a detective and figuring out and getting to this natural brilliance of someone that is already inside of them, and they might not be aware of that. So it's not about guilt, it's not about blaming. It's about discovering their natural brilliance of setting boundaries and doing that in their way and disconnecting from everything that feels harmful, doubtful, self sabotaging. And I think that is a great way, because everyone can do that. Everyone can get to this point where you naturally are at Jason, I can say that because I got to this point, and I did quite some things about that, and just in the last couple of months, I realized how good I got at setting boundaries, but it took me a while.

Jason Croft  19:14  
Yeah, but it is, it's, it's, it's so doable, so possible. Certainly starts with a call with you if someone's out there looking for that outside help. Very much. So, shameless plug, right there, everyone. I don't, I don't mind on on Patricia's behalf, to send, send them that direction. So I think that's a, that's a good spot to wrap. I think this is a, hopefully a good eye opening lesson for for someone who's in that again, that whirlwind of they're overwhelmed, they don't have their time. Everyone keeps, you know, infringing on that and to have that aha moment that, oh, maybe this is what's going on, and I can. Change it. So I think that's fantastic. Yeah,

Patricia Lindner  20:02  
I think it is this step is the most important one to figure out. I can change it. It's not about complaining, it's not about it's the other people's fault, but I can change that. And as you said, I'm really happy to help people figure out their natural brilliance of setting boundaries and figure out how to let go of everything that keeps them from setting their boundaries and keeps them from saying yes to themselves.

Jason Croft  20:33  
Good place to wrap Yes. Thank you all for joining us.

Patricia Lindner  20:37  
Thank you so much. Thank you so much for being part of this episode, talk to you soon.

Jason Croft  20:46  
Thank you for joining us for another episode of magnificence. Remember your path to success isn't about discovering something new. It's about revealing the power you already possess if you're ready to take the next step in uncovering your own magnificence. Schedule an illumination call@patricialinder.com make sure to subscribe to the show and join us next time, as we continue exploring practical ways to unlock your natural brilliance, until then, trust that your magnificence is already within you ready to shine through you.